anniversary

Today was my middle brother Richard's anniversary.
 I will always remember the date of course and the events of that day are still clear in my mind,even though it was many,many years ago.  
At the time I didn't know how to feel or how to grieve - losing a sibling is a very strange experience and I was desperate at the time to carry on as normal and to not be thought of as the girl whose brother died.
  As a child it seemed that it was my job to be 'good' and 'brave' and 'helpful'.  It's very difficult to embrace the enormity of what has happened for fear of not being those things. The feelings of the the bereaved sibling are usually overshadowed by those of the bereaved parent.
 To lose a brother or sister means that you have lost probably the closest person to you - in age, shared experiences and in friendship and as the years go on you find you've also lost the person that they'd have grown up to be.    
I also think, or used to think - why was Richard the one - it could so easily have been me or Tim, our youngest brother. I think subconsciously that I felt that if one of us had died then maybe life isn't a very secure thing.
Mostly I'm sad for my parents who must carry the huge weight of grief for their lost boy. 

sending you golden light and loving kindness

Richard David Eccles 3.9.61 - 15.11.71

Swimming....

...without my pool pal.

 I was going to give the trip to the pool a miss today as I'd been feeling unwell but decided on a compromise to swim gently and went bare armed. 

Usual people there; Man with Gold Chain who swims a leisurely crawl; Bobbing Lady who is as thin as a whip and has an unusual hybrid stroke and of course Fast Man who did his 60 lengths without any regard for his fellow swimmers- it's quite alarming to have someone speeding towards you in the middle of a lane having overtaken the person in front of him - he never veers from his torpedo-like path despite my death ray glares but this attitude of mine defeats my attempts at serene and mindful swimming. 

Minus the pool pal I had no idea how many lengths I had done - my idea was to swim without being competitive with myself but it felt pointless and I got bored. I tried to teach myself tumble turns but not very successfully. 

 I guess there has to be a point to doing things rather than just doing them for the sake of it. 

It's the same with drawing - I really only draw if there's a purpose to it - a deadline or to make something for someone or to develop new ideas. I'm sure I must be missing something by doing this - maybe I'm not living in the present moment as I am always thinking about the end result.  I shall have to meditate on that. 

work !

I'm gradually working my way through the layouts of Football Jokes and managing to put various critters in here and there ( there's even an aardvark). I know nothing of football apart from having an inexplicable and major crush on Gordon Banks when I was a girl. Still, it's a challenge.
Here's a snippet - a dog who does little jobs around the house....